I haven't written for several days. I told myself I wouldn't be concerned if I didn't have anyone commenting or any visitors or followers for a long time. I told myself not to expect anyone for approx. the first 6 months, so don't worry about it. But after many days of blogging and a few comments but no followers I became self-conscious. I think that was only part of it or what actually happened is the self-conscious feelings I already had became exaggerated and the feelings of doubt overwhelmed me: why am I doing this? People are going to think I'm weird/pathetic, I am pathetic, do I really want to tell people I'm disabled? Blah, blah, blah! Oy vey! After taking several deep breaths and thinking for a while, I remembered and realized that I wanted to do this blog for me, for all the times I felt ashamed, embarrassed, less than because I'm disabled...I know now that I'm none of those things are true or have anything to do with being disabled. It's taken me a long, long time to accept that it's just fine that I'm disabled, that I'm a good person and being disabled doesn't lessen who I am. I blamed by bones for a long time, I hated my legs for many years. One day I realized how absolutely ridiculous that was! And I saw that my legs despite being riddled with a bone disease, worked better than expected. It was a good realization as well as a sad one because if I couldn't take out my sadness and pain on my legs, what to do with it?! Writing helps. I also wanted to create and post regularly on this blog for other disabled people especially those who struggle in life and find it tough going some days. I understand that some days are very difficult when you're disabled and you cannot help but be angry, sad, morose, despairing, negative and so on. I understand that and it's okay so long as you and other people know being disabled doesn't make anybody less of a person no matter how many job rejections you've experienced because you're disabled, no matter how many people have condescended to you because you're disabled and no matter how many people haven't treated you the way you deserve to be treated.
So many things seemed so much easier when I was a kid, especially friendships and connecting with people. I think some of that is because as the years have passed, my health issues have increased or worsened. Chronic pain appeared and settled in for the duration, fatigue, too, that some days feels like a brain fog - it's almost as if I have difficulty thinking, it's very strange. Feeling like that makes it difficult to go out with friends especially to a crowded bar where people will be drinking...a lot! Friends had when I was in my '20s didn't understand why I wasn't always up for that kind of social event. Generally I preferred quieter outings anyway. I often wonder what other disabled individuals who are young adults experience in terms of friendship, going out with friends, how do they handle it?! Even now it's difficult since I'm not working so I don't have friendships that grow out of a work environment and many women my age are mothers so when they aren't working, they're caring for their children. Children is a major issue for me. I've always loved kids from the newborn infant stage to toddlers, to grade school age and up.... For some reason I always though I would have kids, if not my own then through adoption. It took me a long tine to acknowledge that not only was I unable to have my own children but I couldn't care for any children on my own. That hit me like a ton of bricks. It still causes major pain in my chest when I think about it. People offer throwaway sentences like: "You have so much freedom", "You can sleep as much as you want", and my all time favorite: "You're not responsible to anyone, you can do whatever you want"...ummmmm...actually, No I can't! I know they mean well but those platitudes underline how little they understand. I know they're trying to help. I think what I'm going to do is get involved in some volunteer/charitable work with kids If I can. Hopefully I'll find something I can do!
Today's post is a bit of a downer or just realistic but I'm sorry it's not more fun and entertaining. I promise tomorrow's will be much better, more upbeat... This is life, some days are good, some days - not so good!